Something y’all should know is that I hesitated before posting about this. I wrote drafts, scrapped them, then wrote other versions and deleted those too. If you read my stuff often you know I have very few qualms about sharing problems I’ve had; this was hard to write because it’s a problem I’m currently having.
I eat compulsively.
And that’s even hard to type in the present tense, because it means admitting that it’s actually a problem, not just something that happens every once in a while when I’m really absorbed in a tv show or doing homework late into the night, or when I eat something I usually don’t and get a little carried away.
This is something that happens almost every day. It happens with healthy food, unhealthy food and all food in between. Usually it happens later in the day. It happens because I’ve lost all sense of how much food my body needs until I’m full to bursting and in pain. And then sometimes more, because I’m stressed about how much I just ate.
I like to think most of the problem is the dining halls. The food is there, not always healthy and not super satisfying either. So I keep getting hunger signals and I keep going back for more. Even if I “fill up” on healthy stuff, I still crave more at the end of my meal.
It’s come to the point where when I’m hungry, I’m scared to go get food, because if I start eating I know I won’t be able to stop.
It’s almost as if I’m in crisis mode: if I see food, my body tells me I have to eat it. I don’t know if stress is the cause, but it makes sense that it might be.
Unsurprisingly, I gained weight. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been due to a combination of uncontrolled consumption and the muscle I’ve added since school started (I didn’t start lifting heavily until August of last year, so I attribute about 1/3 of the weight I gained since September to muscle gains) and I’m not loving it.
I know–I tell y’all that weight doesn’t matter, and the number really doesn’t. But my body doesn’t like this weight. It feels uncomfortable, and I want to shed the extra pounds more to feel good than to look good.
I’m very aware that this isn’t the usual happy-go-lucky blog post where I give advice and stay positive. Right now, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying to figure out how to stop eating as much and figuring out what my triggers are. I think it’s working a little bit; in the past week I’ve eaten fewer calories than I did last week, and that’s better than nothing.
I wish I could eat intuitively, but right now I can’t trust myself.
If you made it to the end of this post, thank you so much for bearing with me. I hope that soon I’ll be able to post again with good news about how I’m handling this, but for now I’m still learning how to manage it.